A story i made because why not.

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A story i made because why not.

Post by New999 on Sun Dec 02, 2012 10:35 pm

This was months ago. I made it as school work and such, but this one was not something like "man goes to friend, man saves friend from dragon, celebration happens". It's pretty big so... enjoy.

The title is J.A.M.I.E.
The character is... Jamie.
And the story is mostly violent.
I would put the uncensored version here but, oops, there's censors here, so yea. Censors would ruin this story. (btw there are no edits from when i made this. I know there are spelling and grammar mistakes. I don't give a damn)

The name is Jamie. My last name is not important. I am 20 years old and I’m not like many other people. I do not have a happy life, I’m not wealthy, but I’m not poor, and my life doesn’t have a “happy ending” like many others.
Years ago, back when I was 6, my life was good. I had family, happiness and all that good stuff. My parents were finally going to marry, so they decide to marry on a big boat. Luckily it wasn’t the titanic. All of my family were there and everyone was happy. Of course, nothing bad was happening at that time. But I got bored, so I decided to go to one of the rooms. I decided to read a book. Because, really, I never had what many others had, like Internet and games and crud. All was fine and peaceful… but then it happened.
I heard the windows smash and then gunshots. Screaming everywhere. It was horrible. You’d think I would hide, but nope. I wanted to see what was going on. Why? I was 6. I wasn’t exactly safety smart like a lot of you. So I decided to go see what was going on and of course the worse happened. 10 gunmen, non-disguised with handguns and Tommy guns. Just wearing suits. Yet they weren’t the mafia type. It was a massacre.
To me, nowadays, people getting killed is just life not giving a damn about you anymore and just ending you by either the hands of someone or by itself. Back then, however, it was different. Sure, movies and books show violence and it was entertaining, but this was real life. And the people dying were my entire family.
Every single one, shot down one by one by each bullet. Luckily, they never saw me, which gave me enough time to run back and hide in fear. Inside the closet. I have no idea why they didn’t check this one closet, but I was lucky. Minutes later, it all stopped. Amazingly, they ran away…or swam away. It was dead silence for a minute, except for me panting in fear. Finally got out. You’d think a child should never see what I saw, but frankly, life is cruel and shows what it can do.
Every single person and family member who was on this boat was on the floor. Bullets everywhere. Same thing with the blood. A few pieces of brains here and there. You’d think I would be in such a state of shock that I couldn’t move, but nope. I decided to check out the entire boat. Even the “Staff Only” rooms. I thought I would find at least one survivor, but no such luck.
So, after my “magical adventure through the world of surprises” (and it sure was a surprise. Hell, one of those sick freaks staked one of the staff to the wall in the shape of a cross, cut off her head and shoved it in her… well, let’s just say this person is very screwed up) I decided to go back to the room, read my book, try to get the images of what I saw out of my head and wait for help. Took about 15 minutes before I was rescued.
Ever since then, I was different. I never had any other mood except anger and neutral. Never had any friends except for 1 named Jhonny. He let’s me stay at his place. He’s a huge computer nerd and hacker, always torrenting music and movies for his own entertainment. I was never nice to people. Nobody tried to bully me, and those that did were all sent to the hospital for numerous injuries. People were afraid of me except Jhonny.
Back then, I just kept wearing the same clothing I wore back at the boat until I finally got to go to school and was given a uniform. Now, I wear black shoes, black jeans, a black long coat, white shirt and white sunglasses. Yes, white sunglasses exist and there not rave ones. If they were, I’d look like a complete idiot.
Nowadays, I always have this handgun with me. A cop’s gun. Why? Because I’m a thief. And a good one. Been taking money from a few banks for a week. And using a gun is very easy for me. Not once have I ever missed a shot. Where I live? A city called Maroon City. Why I’m doing this kind of crime? Well, to pay for rent of course. I’m not allowed to get a job, plus Jhonny is too lazy to get one himself. However, I have caused a few shootouts. Why? To find information of who and where those 10 freaks are. I will never give up on getting my revenge on them, even if it kills me.
And why am I telling you all of this? Because you came here for “story time”. Well, story time is over. If you want to know more about my life, you can go find it somewhere else. For now, I’m off to the local bar to get me a few beers and I hope you won’t be following me at all. Now get outta here.

Jamie appears out in Bullshot Street, near the Everglass Bar. It’s midnight and the drunks are just coming in and out of the bar. He decided to go inside, because he really wanted to get a cold beer and wanted to get away from that creep who wanted to know about him so badly. The place smelt horrible, with smoke all over the air from all the cigarettes and the smell from all the drunken, dirty people. Biker-wannabe lookalikes, with their tattoos and bandanas, play Pool around all 2 of the pool tables. The jukebox is playing crappy death metal, in which sounds like dogs barking and the guitars farting.
A drunk is trying to sing to the song, but all you can hear is gibberish which makes more sense then the songs. Jamie took the one of the available stools that was where the bartender was. He luckily picked the one that wasn’t broken, sticky or full of bugs.
“Hey buddy. What’ll it be today?” said the bartender, in the most generic way. “Anything to make me drunk fast. I think someone’s following me with questions and if I’m going to give them answers, I’ll do it as a drunken idiot” Jamie replied, without caring one bit about what he said. “Strong whiskey it is!” once again, generically said the Bartender. “Should have also told him to make sure it doesn’t taste like piss.” Whispered Jamie.
As he waits, he decides to change the jukebox from stupid death metal to good classic rock. He gets off the stool and walks over to the jukebox, trying his best not to beat the crap out of it. He puts in a quarter and changes it to classic rock. It then starts playing AC/DC. Jamie thought that would make things better, but then some midget comes up to him and kicks the jukebox.
“You call this music? Put it back to what it was before you piece of crap!” Yelled the midget. Jamie didn’t respond as he gets his cigarette and lighter out. “Are you listening to me moron?! Change it back now before I beat the crap of you!”. Jamie lights up his cig, puffs it in, gets the cig out of his mouth and blows it in the midget’s face. “Get lost you Oompa Loompa reject.” said Jamie.
The midget attempts to throw a punch, but fails and instead punches the jukebox, breaking it. “Good job, idiot, now let me show you how to REALLY pick a fight with someone.” Said Jamie in a bad way. He grabs the midget’s hair, pulls it back and then shoves his head through the broken Jukebox. He then pulls him out and kicks him into one of the pool tables. This, of course, interrupts a game and the entire gang of biker-wannabes get their guns out and point it at Jamie. They pull the trigger, but Jamie already got out of the way. Every shot from the gang only hits the jukebox, destroying it even further. As Jamie rolls in his landing, he quickly gets his gun out and fires 2 shots at 2 of the biker-wannabes. Each shot hits them both between the eyes and they fall down, dead. Jamie quickly gets cover behind the counter before they fire their weapons again, once again missing him. He sticks his head and gun out of cover and fires 3 more shots between the eyes of 3 more of them. 5 down, 1 to go.
As Jamie get’s back to cover, the final biker-wannabe goes nuts and starts firing all his bullets at the counter where Jamie is taking cover, as he runs over to shoot him down. As soon as he gets close enough to Jamie to shoot him down, the gun just clicks. “Next time, don’t waste your bullets when your having a psycho moment.” Says Jamie, as he slaps the gun off the guy’s hand, pins him to a wall and points his gun at his head, about to pull the trigger.

“WAIT, I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE YOUR AFTER!!” yelled the biker-wannabe in fear. “…What are you talking about?” questioned Jamie. “I know who killed your family. I work for one of them. He’s name is Carlos Maxen. I can tell you where he lives and everything. JUST DON’T PULL THAT DAMNED TRIGGER!” he answered. Jamie has a hard time believing him. Then he pulls out a piece of paper.
Jamie slowly grabs it, hoping it isn’t a trap. Still pointing the gun to the guy’s head, he looks at the paper to notice it’s a piece of a map. On the back is a picture of Carlos. “…Damn. You’re telling the truth. That looks a lot like one of the freaks that killed my parents.” Said Jamie in surprise. “See? Now, can you let me go now? I’ll go home and never bother you again!” Fearfully said the biker-wannabe, hoping he get’s to run away.
Jamie lets him go. As he turns around and starts walking back to the bartender, who is hiding in the counter, the biker-wannabe get’s a knife out of his pocket and holds it over his head, about to stab him in the back. As soon as he lowers the knife at Jamie, he quickly turns around, grabs his hands and stabs the biker-wannabe in the stomach with his own knife. He then slowly pushes the knife up, creating a big hole in his body and killing the biker-wannabe. He then let’s go.
He goes off to grab his beer that was on the counter the entire bar shootout. “If that guy was telling the truth, then I should be able to begin my revenge spree. Carlos, you better start running for your momma, because I’m coming for ya.”. He takes a sip of the whiskey. He then quickly spits it out. He looks at the bartender. “And as for you…” he pours the whiskey on the bartender’s head “…try and give me a drink that doesn’t taste like nasty piss”. He then leaves the bar and off back to the apartment to begin his revenge.

To be proceeded…

Yea there is more. But im leaving that for later when i get into animation and stuff.
So yea, give me your opinions on this story. I can take any form of dislike if you have any.
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Re: A story i made because why not.

Post by Yukine on Mon Dec 03, 2012 4:25 pm

I'll be very honest here, this isn't really my style of story so I can't say I liked it much, but it's a good overall idea. It has certain potential to it; Jamie could be an interesting character if you developed him further. But there were several things that, to say the least, need improvement.

For one, you really do need to fix the grammar and spelling. It's not just 'because it looks correct' or 'it looks nicer'. Incorrect spelling and grammar are distracting, ruin the reader's immersion in the story, and even make it a confusing read. So make sure to proofread. On that note, when another character starts speaking, you need to begin a new paragraph. Like so:

New999 wrote:“WAIT, I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE YOUR AFTER!!” yelled the biker-wannabe in fear.

“…What are you talking about?” questioned Jamie.

“I know who killed your family. I work for one of them. He’s name is Carlos Maxen. I can tell you where he lives and everything. JUST DON’T PULL THAT DAMNED TRIGGER!” he answered.

That's mainly to make it clear who's speaking, but it also makes the text look cleaner and more organised.

Secondly, there's a huge rupture between the first part in which the narrator is first person protagonist and the second part where it switches to third person omniscient. If I were you, I'd pick one of the two and rewrite the whole story in the same style (personally I'd say first person would be better for this). I think the reason it seems so weird in this story particularly, since I've seen it in other pieces where narrator-switching works, is this:

New999 wrote:And why am I telling you all of this? Because you came here for “story time”. Well, story time is over. If you want to know more about my life, you can go find it somewhere else. For now, I’m off to the local bar to get me a few beers and I hope you won’t be following me at all. Now get outta here.

Jamie appears out in Bullshot Street, near the Everglass Bar. It’s midnight and the drunks are just coming in and out of the bar. He decided to go inside, (...)

This makes it seem like Jamie is actually speaking to someone inside the novel and telling them his story, then blowing them off and leaving while the story itself continues from a different perspective, which would be a good idea but seems weird for several reasons: one, it seems pretty out of character for him. Two, the story starts off as a very intimate sort of retelling, like many first-person novels do, so there's no direct intended audience for it; in other words, there's no specific character or person that this is directed towards. That impression is broken off when the narrator - Jamie - directly talks to the reader. This would be the writing equivalent of breaking the fourth wall.


Also, in the second part written in third person, I would strongly suggest writing in past-tense only. At the very least, if you want to keep it in present, make sure you don't accidentally switch between past and present like you did here:

New999 wrote:Jamie appears out in Bullshot Street, near the Everglass Bar. It’s midnight and the drunks are just coming in and out of the bar. He decided to go inside

Now, referring to actual characters and plot... All I can say is that it's overall kind of generic. Jamie seems like the typical badass with a horrible past whose only emotion is anger; even the horrible traumatic past seems a little generic. A bunch of guys came in, murdered his family, and now fourteen years later he wants revenge. I mean, come on... surely you can give it some sort of twist or special spin that'll make it more personal or, well, special?

Also, for the last paragraph (beginning with "WAIT - by the way, don't use all caps when writing, it looks amateurish and unprofessional, so itallics are probably a better choice - and ending with 'revenge') ... frankly, it just screams generic at me. The short dialogue between Jamie and the 'thug' doesn't even seem remotely plausible - how did this biker guy know that Jamie was looking for his family's killers, or that his boss was one of them? How did he even know Jamie in the first place? As for the short monologue from Jamie, it's unnecessary and out of place; I'd even venture to say out of character. This is writing; the character's inner thoughts can be written and expressed just as easily as dialogue. A monologue like that belongs in a hollywood-esque action film. As for the last sentence, it's quite frankly so weak that I would just eliminate it completely.



So... yeah. Okay, I'm done.
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Re: A story i made because why not.

Post by New999 on Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:42 am

Yukine wrote:I'll be very honest here, this isn't really my style of story so I can't say I liked it much
Well i know that it won't be everyone's sort of story style.

Yukine wrote:For one, you really do need to fix the grammar and spelling. It's not just 'because it looks correct' or 'it looks nicer'. Incorrect spelling and grammar are distracting, ruin the reader's immersion in the story, and even make it a confusing read.
I know about all the spelling mistakes and grammar in this story. I just didn't edit it because i couldn't be damned. This isn't really much of a final edit in my opinion anyway, but i left it as it is. And i know it's going to put the reader off, but like i said, i can't be damned fixing this so really the reader will have to try his/her best to get through the spelling mistakes and grammar without getting all pissed or confused.
Yukine wrote:On that note, when another character starts speaking, you need to begin a new paragraph. Like so:

New999 wrote:“WAIT, I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE YOUR AFTER!!” yelled the biker-wannabe in fear.

“…What are you talking about?” questioned Jamie.

“I know who killed your family. I work for one of them. He’s name is Carlos Maxen. I can tell you where he lives and everything. JUST DON’T PULL THAT DAMNED TRIGGER!” he answered.

That's mainly to make it clear who's speaking, but it also makes the text look cleaner and more organised.
Yea i guess i should have told you and everyone else who reads this, that this was made in 2 hours. Making in cleaner and more organised wasn't going to happen at that amount of time. And again, this isn't a final edit to me. It's more a draft. So yea.

Yukine wrote:Secondly, there's a huge rupture between the first part in which the narrator is first person protagonist and the second part where it switches to third person omniscient. If I were you, I'd pick one of the two and rewrite the whole story in the same style (personally I'd say first person would be better for this).
That's because he is talking to someone (the backstory) and then he just leaves to do his own thing while the third person thing happens. I wanted it to be like that and, so far, everyone else who read this is fine with it and liked the idea. Then again, i knew someone on the internet would find this bad. But i'll take it as opinion because i wanted it to be that way on purpose.

Yukine wrote:This makes it seem like Jamie is actually speaking to someone inside the novel and telling them his story, then blowing them off and leaving while the story itself continues from a different perspective, which would be a good idea but seems weird
Not to the last 15 people who read this. And that is what happened. He talked to a guy his backstory, blew him off and the story continued in a different perspective. Should have been pretty obvious.

Yukine wrote:one, it seems pretty out of character for him.
If him telling his story like that and than telling the guy to get lost and leaving is out of character, than you don't know of how much of a dick Jamie is.

Yukine wrote:Two, the story starts off as a very intimate sort of retelling, like many first-person novels do, so there's no direct intended audience for it; in other words, there's no specific character or person that this is directed towards. That impression is broken off when the narrator - Jamie - directly talks to the reader. This would be the writing equivalent of breaking the fourth wall.
Oh trust me, this story has more Fourth Wall breaking than a hyperactive child swinging a crowbar around an apartment full of glass and vases. This is nothing compared to what im going to be putting in.

Yukine wrote:Now, referring to actual characters and plot... All I can say is that it's overall kind of generic. Jamie seems like the typical badass with a horrible past whose only emotion is anger; even the horrible traumatic past seems a little generic. A bunch of guys came in, murdered his family, and now fourteen years later he wants revenge. I mean, come on... surely you can give it some sort of twist or special spin that'll make it more personal or, well, special?
Well basically, he has no emotion at all, only neutral and anger, he is a complete dick and he pretty much just kills anyone that gets in his way. Plus he is a huge criminal to the police and they want him dead, with a bounty of $900,000,000 on his head.

Yukine wrote:beginning with "WAIT - by the way, don't use all caps when writing, it looks amateurish and unprofessional
It's called "yelling in fear". If making it look like the guy is yelling "WAIT DON'T KILL ME" is amateurish and unprofessional, well, excuse me.

Yukine wrote:how did this biker guy know that Jamie was looking for his family's killers, or that his boss was one of them?
Well like i said, there's going to be alot more to the story and everything is going to make alot more sense when i begin animating all of it. Just to make sure it does make sense to you, the guy's boss knows that Jamie is the only survivor from the massacre from the boat and wants him dead to finish the job. And because Jamie is always around, causing shit to go bad, he MIGHT just run into one of the boss's goons drinking and MIGHT start a bar fight to get his attention and get info out of him. Make a bit more sense now?

Yukine wrote:As for the short monologue from Jamie, it's unnecessary and out of place; I'd even venture to say out of character. This is writing; the character's inner thoughts can be written and expressed just as easily as dialogue. A monologue like that belongs in a hollywood-esque action film.
Yes, hence why i said in the beginning of the post and right now, im going to ANIMATE this. This was mean't to be a ANIMATED SHOW. I just made the story for a school work because i couldn't think of anything else, and this story has been in my head for 5 years now, right after i got bullied to shit so much at school. I didn't want to give it all away though, so i put as much as i wanted to put without anything else being known, like the FULL backstory and the REST of what happens [if i did, this page would be about over 9000000 words]

Yukine wrote:As for the last sentence, it's quite frankly so weak that I would just eliminate it completely.
Well i was tired what i tried finishing it. Don't expect it to be as great as Arnold saying "I'll be back".

Yukine wrote:So... yeah. Okay, I'm done.
And now so am i.
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Re: A story i made because why not.

Post by Yukine on Tue Dec 04, 2012 2:51 pm

Okay first off, I did that as a review and I did it seriously. I don't really appreciate being blown off with flimsy at best excuses like 'it's not a final draft' or 'I'm going to ANIMATE it later!'. Frankly I could write another review of why your responding post and arguments were poor and, to be honest, a little bit childish. I won't be bothered because I was wrong to assume even for a second that I might be taken seriously on the internet.

Good day to you.
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Re: A story i made because why not.

Post by New999 on Tue Dec 04, 2012 8:37 pm

Yukine wrote:Okay first off, I did that as a review and I did it seriously. I don't really appreciate being blown off with flimsy at best excuses like 'it's not a final draft' or 'I'm going to ANIMATE it later!'. Frankly I could write another review of why your responding post and arguments were poor and, to be honest, a little bit childish. I won't be bothered because I was wrong to assume even for a second that I might be taken seriously on the internet.

Good day to you.
I see you don't know me well either.
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